She Said “No”

For those of you who noticed that I haven’t been blogging in a while, I just want to say I’m back. I just got a phone call from the lady that I was trying to court and in so many words she said “No”.

She said that she wasn’t open at this time. There are other details but I will leave it out to protect her privacy. She was very very gentle and decent about it and we are still friends. I’ve know her for around two years here in Afghanistan and she’s the first woman that I’ve really tried to be vulnerable with. So my friend Anthony is wrong – I’m not really robotic or an android. I do have feelings. ha-ha or maybe an emotion chip? I love the C.S. Lewis quote that I found on Jenny Caspe’s blog:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.

If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.

But in that casket–safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. . .

The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is Hell.”

–The Four Loves

Man, I didn’t know this was going to hurt this much, but I would rather that my heart be wrung and be broken than it become unbreakable, impenetrable and irredeemable. And as my friend Jane Chang put it “You won’t know if you don’t go”. I haven’t told a lot of people that she told me “No” but if you’re reading this blog then now you know. My friend Holly had this encouragement that when I do meet that special person she will be overwhelmed when she meets me. Well I certainly was overwhelmed when I met her, too bad it wasn’t mutual.

It was a nice few days as I was able to tell her what’s in my mind in five languages. Yes, she speaks five languages – Japanese, Spanish, French, Afghan Farsi and English. I told her tonigh that I knew she would really enjoy reading that and there’s very few people who would really appreciate that gesture. I even started sending some French poetry and I have an unsent card that has this Renée Vivien poem on it. I’ll still send it because I know it goes very well with the pink roses that Dan is going to arrange. Here’s how it goes:

Roses du soir

Des roses sur la mer, des roses dans le soir,
Et toi qui viens de loin, les mains lourdes de roses !
J’aspire ta beauté. Le couchant fait pleuvoir
Ses fines cendres d’or et ses poussières roses…

Des roses sur la mer, des roses dans le soir.

Un songe évocateur tient mes paupières closes.
J’attends, ne sachant trop ce que j’attends en vain,
Devant la mer pareille aux boucliers d’airain,
Et te voici venue en m’apportant des roses…

Ô roses dans le ciel et le soir ! Ô mes roses !

I was thinking about her this moring and wanted to write to her about the 50 things I love about her. Well, I just sent it but that was after I got the phone call. I’ve never blogged while I have tears in my eyes but there’s always a first time.I have a feeling that I will keep bumping into her as the circle that we move around in is just a very small circle. I told her that it was my honor and my privilege to even know her and even consider her. I still love the fact the fact that she is one of my very good friends in Afghanistan. I have found love and I found heartbreak in Afghanistan. I am excited on what I’m going to find next here.

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